playing goal keeper these last few days has been the best thing ever for me. what im learning goes so much deeper than soccer skills, im learning to lay out for it all. not just when trying to save a shot, but in life. things have been pretty confusing lately, and more than ever im learning to lay out for it. to leave myself vulnerable. and its all ok. everytime i dive, i get up with a scratch at most. thats pretty incredible. yesterday i jammed my finger like nobodies business, it may be broke, but i think just jammed, and you know what, im fine. its all gonna be ok. when you lay it all out, you can do some amazing things. playing soccer, and life for that matter, fearlessly allows you to accomplish the most amazing things. im learning to really trust the lord with my safety. for the first time my focus isnt on keeping myself safe, but more on going after what i want and trusting god to keep me safe. and its working out perfectly. i believe in the little coincidences in life, i believe in the meaning in everything we do. right when everything started to get bumpy, god brought logan and pedro back into my life, and soccer into it more than ever, and what started as a distraction turned into real comfort. i know itll all be ok, and i cannot thank the lord enough for that.
ok so i didnt get dumped recently really, im just sitting here… thinking. i gotta stop doin that. but it proves a point. everyone says that saying goodbye is the hardest thing, and i always say bull shit. saying goodbye is fairly easy, its like two syllables, that really isnt that hard. the hardest thing is living after saying it. its having to fall asleep at night with the memories, its running into them randomly, its hearing the song that always made you think of them. and i dont even just mean this with break ups. the best times in life are incredible memories. but what happens when all you can do with these memories is wish you could relive them? now that is terrible. you will never get to do that, but it can eat you alive. im a real happy person, but some nights, some nights my mind is just a mess. these goodbyes make it that way. sometimes i sit here trying to text you, and the screen just stays blank. im not sure if its because i dont have anything to say to you, or if i just have so much to say i dont know where to start. or maybe i just cant find the words to say what i need. either way, this is the part after goodbye. this is the part that eats you alive and controls your mind, no matter how much times passes. ya know i once heard that the pain never gets any better, you just dont feel the pain as often, well tonight, i feel it. and it sucks. goodbye.
it gets old. you give your all, and try so hard to make it work, and once again, it doesnt. im so sick of the mind games, the complications, the inconsistencies. o well. if only happy ever afters existed… adam levine is seriously onto something with that payphone song. all those fairy tales really are full of shit.
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i miss this game, im on a mission to find it
